Waiting
by Arwen Jade Kenobi
Summary: Jack Twist may be dead, but he certainly isn't gone.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Waiting  
Author: Arwen Jade Kenobi

Summary: Jack's dead, but he certainly isn't gone.

Rating: PG

Characters: Jack Twist, Ennis Del Mar

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Annie Proulx. This is purely for entertainment purposes and I make no money off of it.  
Author's Notes: Something that started with Nickelback's song "Far Away" and Hydini's wonderful fanvid using that song. Then it just sort of morphed into this. First attempt at Brokeback Mountain fanfic so be nice! There is very little actual dialogue but I tried my best to get the accent down. Apologies if it didn't work so well. Enjoy!

Jack Twist at first had been convinced he had been sent to Hell.

The final strokes of the tire irons had fallen and he had been left alone as his own blood began to fill up his lungs. Instead of his whole life flashing before his eyes in these final moments, he saw his life's greatest regrets parading across his dimming vision. Regret that he would never see Bobby become a man. Regret that he had never done Lureen right as well as he could have. But Jack found that most of his regrets were connected to Ennis. Regret that the last time he spoke to him was in a fight. Regret that they never had enough time together. Regret that the life that should have been theirs never came to be.

Soon enough, Jack's vision had turned to darkness and he knew no more. He did not know how much time had passed when he had opened his eyes to find himself standing alone in front of the Riverton, Wyoming Post Office. He had been confused as to how he had ended up there and if the tire irons had been a horrible nightmare. That illusion had been quickly shattered when a child chasing a ball had rushed right through him where he should have smashed into Jack's knees. With that, he had understood that the tire irons had been a cruel reality. Jack Twist was a dead man.

He had been trying to sort out how much time had passed when he saw a familiar sight: Ennis Del Mar. He was holding his mail and giving it a quick once over. Out of habit, Jack had shouted the other man's name. No reply or acknowledgement. Instead, after a few moments, Ennis had stopped a few feet from the post office to stare at a certain piece of mail. A few steps had brought Jack into easy distance to read a postcard from Ennis addressed to Jack asking about a fishing trip for November seventh. Jack had never seen this card before. That was confirmed with the large, angry red letters spelling out DECEASED stamped across it.

Jack had watched as Ennis stared at that word for what had seemed like an eternity before moving over to the phone booth and calling up Lureen in Childress. Jack had listened closely to the crock of shit Ennis was being fed about an exploding tire being the cause of his demise with a strong anger at his wife brewing deep in his heart. This had soon vanished and had been replaced with pity as he had watched Ennis' face contort and his eyes seem too look elsewhere. Ennis knew well enough it had been the tire irons.

When Ennis had left the phone booth, bound for Lightning Flat, Jack had tried to put a hand on his shoulder. His hand had passed through him as easily as a knife through butter. Undeterred, Jack had run ahead and stood in front of the man, trying to pull him into an embrace. Ennis had blown through him, blinking tear pricks from his eyes and showing no indication he had even sensed Jack near him. Nevertheless, Jack had kept trying. He had joined Ennis on the drive to Lightning Flat, stepping through the door and trying to grasp the hand that fell to the stick, and had shouted at him so hard that his ears rang; the other man paid no notice. After the first hour, Jack sadly resigned to the fact that Ennis could not hear him and was oblivious to his presence.

If this was not Hell, Jack had a very rough time imagining much worse.

However, Jack noted as he settled into the passenger seat and watched the scenery fly by, he was_here_. He was still on Earth in every aspect except flesh. Was Hell just where damned souls wandered about the planet aimlessly? But why would he even be allowed anywhere near Ennis if he was being punished for what they had shared? Jack sighed and decided he really didn't know what had happened to him. He obviously hadn't gone anywhere and he didn't know if he ever would be.

When Ennis pulled up in front of the depressing excuse for a house that was the Twist home, Jack shut his eyes and wished he didn't have to witness what conversation would occur between Ennis and his parents. He didn't want to see his mother's face, he didn't want to hear what his father would say and he didn't want to stand there unable to do a damn thing about it. When he opened his eyes again he found himself sitting by the window of his old bedroom watching Ennis walk up to his mother.

Jack blinked at this sudden change of scenery. Was this all he had to do to get around now? Jack shut his eyes and wished he was sitting back in Ennis' truck. Sure enough when his eyes opened that was where he was.

_Now here's somethin' to be thinkin' 'bout _Jack muttered to himself as he promptly sent himself back to the lonely chair by the window. God knew how many times he had sat at this chair as a boy and had stared at the gravel path, wishing he could just up and leave right then and there. Sitting there and wishing he could follow that gravel road until he met a real road and join civilization instead of sitting there and wishing it.

Jack laughed at that. Now that life was over for him he was right back to being isolated again.

He could hear his father rambling from the kitchen, and caught mention of Jack's plans to bring another rancher from Texas up. Jack groaned and buried his face in his hands; the goddamn son of a bitch had gone and mentioned Randall.

_Christ, Ennis, Randall wasn't nothin. He wasn't nothin'._Jack slammed a fist on the radiator; it didn't hurt and the radiator didn't even rattle in response to the abuse. He raised his fist and rested his forehead against it. _Old sonofabitch got no respect for nobody. Livin' or dead. __Never has an' never will. _The rationale was cold comfort, he still wanted nothing other than to punch the stud duck and shake him so hard that his teeth rattled in his head.

Jack heard the door behind him open and was shocked to find Ennis standing there, casting his eyes over the seemingly empty room and trying to imagine Jack thriving in this depressing space. He smiled sadly as Ennis fumbled over to pick up the horse and rider figure and turn it over in his hands a few times before heading over to the window. Jack reflexively rose to his feet and backed toward the bed as the other man opened the window and then took a seat on that bench. Jack sighed as Ennis fixed his gaze on that gravel road, Lord knowing what was stewing in that brain of his. Knowing Ennis, the comment about Randall must be at the top of that list. Jack didn't even allow the wishes to cross his mind for he couldn't keep up with wishing for what was impossible; but he couldn't stop the words leaving his lips:

_Got doubts 'bout us, cowboy? Try the closet. _

He did not expect Ennis to actually take his suggestion. The head turned to stare at the small alcove and the expression on the face was one of slight confusion, probably as to what the Hell he was doing staring at a child's closet. But the fact remained that Ennis' attention was turned there. Was it through Jack? Or was it coincidence? Jack found himself not actually caring which it was, it was just enough that the suffering man before him was going to find all the proof he needed that he had been loved deeply and to the exclusion of all others.

Ennis got up and shuffled over to the closet, sweeping his fingers across the coats and other old shirts he had left there. Jack followed close behind and watched tensely as Ennis came closer to Jack's greatest treasure. He thought of speaking up again, but was fearful of breaking whatever spell had caused his words to get through to the living man.

Suddenly, Ennis' attention shifted to a pair of boots on the floor. He kneeled down and touched them, as if he was trying to remember if he had seen them before. The spectre took a moment to calm his frustration before offering another direction, hoping to God and all that was holy that this spell would not break.

_Look up. _

Ennis did so and noted the shadow of what Jack had kept back there for two decades. He tentatively reached out to grasp an old denim shirt with blood on its sleeve. It was Jack's shirt that he'd worn during that summer; the blood on it was Ennis'. Jack watched anxiously as Ennis held the sleeve and quickly realised there was something inside the shirt. He rolled up the sleeve and found his own bloody shirt, the shirt he'd thought had been left on the mountain somewhere. With a sudden urgency, Ennis followed the sleeve up and rose to his feet and almost fearfully pulled out the hanger, Ennis' plaid nestled inside Jack's denim.

Jack wanted nothing more than to offer the other man some form of comfort as he watched the grief contorting his face. He knew well enough about Jack's feelings now, but that made the pain even worse it seemed. Then, Ennis did something unexpected: he held the shirts as if Jack himself were there and wearing them, and pulled it into a careful embrace. An embrace of one trying to keep his fantasy real and knowing that one misstep would shatter the precious illusion.

The spirit stepped forward gingerly as Ennis inhaled deeply. Was he hoping to smell Jack? Or maybe Brokeback? Jack doubted there was any scent left on those shirts other than the musty stench of clothes left in closets for too long. He resisted the urge to reach out a hand; he couldn't afford to face that heartbreak. Instead, he spoke again, hoping beyond hope that his voice still carried some weight:

_I'm with ya, Ennis. I ain't leavin'. _

No reaction, but Jack saw no reason to not act upon what he had said.

_I ain't leavin'. _


	2. Chapter 2

Jack Twist had never felt a year go by so slowly. There was usually something to make time pass but it seemed that death had severely limited his options. He had visited Lureen and Bobby more than a few times to see how they were getting on if only to provide a bit of variety. He had even attended Bobby's sixteenth birthday party and had come for Christmas. Of course no one knew he was there, but there were moments where he was fairly sure that they'd sensed him. The great breakthrough for him had been a month ago when he'd seen Bobby go out on the porch to sneak a smoke and Jack had commented that it was a disgusting habit. His son had replied, without missing a beat, "You got nothin' to say 'bout it. You's dead and you smoked too."

That had shocked Jack beyond even trying to answer. By the time he'd found the courage to, Bobby was deaf to him again. However, Jack did manage to pull the same brief contact every so often on his visits and for some longer periods. He'd even managed to get a few words from Lureen.

He had tried this with Ennis several times, but Ennis hadn't even batted an eyelid. But, Jack was determined and had managed to get him to turn his head a few times if he said his name loud enough but got nothing even close to what had happened in Lightning Flat. But, Jack had his faith, and it did give him something to do. He also had this feeling that tonight would be the night he got through to him, today being the only anniversary of his death that Ennis could take note of: the day he'd received the post card and gone to see his parents. The day he'd found those shirts.

It would be a fitting night, Jack decided. If only the son of a bitch would hear him.

The trailer door opened and in stepped Ennis, dirty, groaning, and sporting a slight limp. Jack shook his head; the ranch life would kill him before anything else would at this rate. His required physical exam earlier in the year had informed him that years of smoking, drinking and general abuse on his body were catching up with him. This just seemed to make Ennis work even harder instead of taking it easier. Whether this was because he wanted to hasten his death or prove the doctor wrong, Jack didn't know. It was probably more so of the latter, he decided. Ennis wouldn't leave his daughters until he was damn sure they were able to live without him. Alma, Jr. had only been married a few months and Francine hadn't found herself a man yet. No, that would have to be settled before Ennis Del Mar saw fit to die.

Ennis was certainly better off than he had been this morning at least. He'd had a nightmare that had viciously roused him at three in the morning, the subject of which Jack had no need to guess thanks to the anguished cries. The grieving man had sobbed himself back to sleep and had stomped out of the house a few hours later with a severe look on his face. Jack knew that look, the one that said 'I am NOT going to think of Jack Twist today.' It was a face he wore everyday, but today was the most extreme usage yet. Sadly, the goal implied was rarely ever reached; and only a cold-hearted man would have it be reached today.

As Jack's eyes followed Ennis around the room, he knew that he had been on Ennis' mind all day. Those eyes could still give away Ennis' heart with one look in them, the curse of a man of few words Jack assumed. The owner of the trailer stripped off the dirtied shirt, pulled on a nearby cleaner one, then headed directly to the fridge. Jack was shocked to see Ennis pull out about four bottles of whiskey. With a bit of a chuckle he couldn't help but feel a bit pleased and honoured that we was worth that much alcohol. How drunk did Ennis intend to get tonight? Jack stopped that thought right there, he wasn't going to let Ennis get anywhere near that far gone. It had been a year; he should have pulled himself together a long time ago.

Though, Jack found himself thinking, he still couldn't condemn him for that. He knew well enough that if positions were reversed that he'd be doing the same thing, and knew damn well that Ennis would never have been able to last in this state. Or maybe he would have. Jack let the thought die, this was how the dice had rolled and that was that.

Ennis balanced the bottles in his arms and settled them down on the bed but did not sit with them. Instead he elected to open the closet door and stare at the small memorial he had created. The two shirts, now with Jack's shirt folded inside of Ennis', hung on the same wire hanger off a nail hammered into the door. A postcard depicting the stunning mountain where it had all began was thumb tacked above the left shoulder. It was a simple tribute to what they had shared but that was all that was needed. What was being commemorated was still there, still binding them together, even through death; Jack's presence was enough to prove that.

Ennis had been silent for several moments. His eyes were closed and he was running his fingers lovingly across the shirts. Jack sucked in a breath and decided to make his move.

_Ennis_

No reaction. Ennis' eyes were open now and he was slowly moving to take the shirts off the hanger. Jack moved a few steps forward and spoke his name again, this time louder. A start and a turn of the head was the result of that call, but he did not pause from taking the shirts off the hanger and just holding them in his arms for a moment as he tried to talk some sense into himself. Jack stepped closer and spoke right into the other man's ear.

_Ennis_

Full stop. Jack could almost see the cogs in the other man's mind working. He was alone in the trailer and no one here knew of Jack Twist so that meant this wasn't a cruel joke. The spectre smiled faintly to himself as he watched Ennis' face almost change into a child's before his eyes as he very carefully answered back. "Jack?"

Jack released the breath he did not know he had been holding and fiercely rubbed at the tear pricks in the corners of his eyes. Finally, after a year of trying so damn hard to be heard, it was finally working for the one that mattered most to him. Ennis looked around the room, eyes in a panic that he was losing his mind. Jack remembered he hadn't answered.

_Right here, cowboy. _

Ennis drew in a shaky breath and turned to sit on the bed beside the whiskey bottles and clutched the shirts tightly to his chest as the tears started to flow. "I miss you," he whispered. "An' I'm so sorry…"

Jack was not going to hear any of this, not today, not ever again. But that was not what Ennis wanted to hear, or needed to hear, at this moment. Jack tried to think of himself in his lover's position. What were the golden words he wanted?

_I forgive ya_

Ennis bowed his head into the shirts and just let go of everything. Jack's heart broke for the man before him and he moved without thinking. He knelt onto the bed beside Ennis then shifted so he was kneeling behind him. Taking a deep breath and sending out a prayer, he wrapped his arms around the grieving man. He could not feel Ennis' warmth the way he would have before but he was not passing through him. He had finally made contact.

Ennis started as he felt the embrace but soon enough relaxed into it, leaning into the space in the air that was Jack and slowly quieting down. Jack leaned back and turned ever so slightly so that that they were lying on the bed, Ennis no doubt feeling nothing underneath him save the mattress but still aware of the strong arms surrounding him and of the whispers of _s' alright_ in his ear. Jack truly wished he could hold Ennis forever but he knew that they couldn't keep this up for much longer. There were so many things that Jack wanted to say to him, but there was surely not enough time; there was never enough time for them. Jack quickly found that everything could be summed up again with what he had said after the shirts had been found last year, Ennis had not heard it then so he repeated it now for his benefit.

_I ain't leavin'. Even if ya can't see me, bud, I'll always be here._

Ennis sniffed again and burrowed deeper into Jack's arms. He offered no reply and none was needed. The silence between them spoke volumes as each enjoyed the other's physical presence for what could be the final time before they were truly reunited. This promise would be upheld; nothing could come between them now.

"I love you," Ennis whispered. These were words that would have normally given Jack cause for pause for Ennis had never spoken these often. But he now found that he didn't need to hear them.

_I know._

Ennis soon fell asleep in Jack's arms, and when he woke up the next morning he couldn't feel or hear him but knew that he wasn't far away.

"I'll keep goin', rodeo."

He put the whiskey bottles back in the fridge and then headed off to work. Jack remained in the empty trailer with his thoughts and the feel of Ennis in his arms

_That's all I ask, cowboy._


	3. Epilogue

Epilogue: Eight Years Later

Ennis Del Mar had to be the worst patient known to the Earth. Jack had never seen anyone put up so much fuss over every aspect of medical procedure from attending appointments, to taking medications, to just generally following medical advice. In Ennis' head, no one knew more about his health than himself and he would be damned before someone else told him otherwise. This was why he had told no one about the coughing fits and shortness of breath until the day he had passed out on the job and was taken immediately to the local hospital. The tests that Ennis had been neglecting to undergo for so long had determined that his heart and lungs had put up enough with the abuse and strain put on them. Nothing could be done for him now.

That had been almost two weeks ago. Ennis, of course, had plenty of visitors during this time. Junior and Francine, and their respective families, were everyday fixtures and even Alma herself had paid a visit or two. But at night, while Ennis slept and the hospital was closed to visitors, Jack sat by his side as unnoticed as he'd always been.

Jack was sick of watching him waste away like this. He was getting weaker by the day and everyone knew it. The only reason that he didn't have Junior or someone with him now was because Ennis had insisted. Jack knew well enough as to why: Ennis didn't want anyone to see him die. He'd hang on until nightfall to go, when he was alone.

For the past fourteen odd nights, Jack had waited. For the past fourteen odd nights he had tried to let Ennis know that he wasn't facing the end of his life alone, but to no avail.

Ever since that first anniversary Jack had managed to find a way to remind Ennis that he was still around, that he hadn't crossed over or what ever the Hell he was supposed to have done. He wasn't able to do it too often, but he'd manage a quick whisper or a touch on his hand every so often. Lord knew that Ennis really needed and appreciated those tokens.

Jack reached a hand over and tried, for the umpteenth time, to give the dying man's hand a squeeze. He cursed softly as his transparent fingers slipped through Ennis' almost ashen coloured hand. Of all the times that he really wanted to be able to pull this off it had to be now where it wouldn't work.

_Story of our lives, huh cowboy? _

Jack slouched into the chair and stared up at the hospital room's ceiling, knowing he wouldn't be getting an answer. What he didn't expect was to feel some strange prickling in his hand. He looked down to see Ennis' fingers trying weakly to touch him.

He jumped back and made eye contact with the man on the bed, Ennis stared right back at him. Not through him either but right into his eyes. Ennis could see him.

"Jack?" The voice was a breathless whisper. "That really you?"

Jack nodded. _Always has been._

Ennis sighed and closed his eyes, a look of great peace crossing his face. "It time?" His voice seemed to have become even quieter.

The spectre sighed. _I reckon so._ Ennis could see him and he could hear him. That seemed a strong enough indication for Jack that the other man's time was at an end. The concept, despite the fact that it would bring them together again, brought a few scarce tears to his eyes and he swatted at them viciously. When he moved his hand away from his face he saw that Ennis was looking at him again, just drinking in the sight of him. It suddenly hit Jack that Ennis had not seen him in nearly ten years. He hadn't even had a photograph; all there was were the memories and the shirts in his closet.

Ennis coughed weakly and had to fight to get breath back. He reached out a hand to touch Jack's cheek and was allowed to have his fingers fall through the skin and drag through him. Jack usually did not appreciate this feeling, for he had associated it with his failed attempts to make his presence known, but he let Ennis continue despite his sentiments. Neither man said a word; the need for them had long since passed. Jack's eyes slid shut and he could almost the smell fresh pine scent of the mountain that had held on to them so deeply.

The other man's hand returned to its resting place and Jack opened his eyes to see Ennis smiling faintly up at him. The deep eyes were fighting to stay open and the fingers were twitching as if they wanted to grab Jack's hand. _Don't fight it, Ennis, _Jack found himself saying. Ennis nodded briefly and tried to speak only to find that he didn't have breath to form the words. Tears were flowing freely down Jack's face now as shook his head. _You'll see me soon_. _I promise._

With that promise, Ennis's eyes fell shut and the monitors instantly began their shrieking. Jack lowered his head and allowed more tears to escape his eyes. The staff soon bolted in and began their attempts to revive the body on the bed. Jack tried to remove himself but kept finding himself displaced as more and more people seemed to continuously rush through him.

A hand grasped his shoulder as he rematerialized yet again and pulled him safely to the back of the room. Jack quickly found himself spun around to stand face to face with Ennis Del Mar, looking just as he had during that summer. The two men stared at each other for several moments before Ennis reached out to cup Jack's face in his hands and lower his mouth to give him a gentle but passionate kiss. _Jack fuckin' Twist_

Jack laughed through his drying tears and pulled Ennis into a ferocious embrace, which was returned just as aggressively. _Missed ya so much, Rodeo_.

_I was never far away._

They stepped back from each other and caught glance of a great white light appearing in the doorway. Ennis looked quizzically at Jack, who could only offer a shrug. The scent of pine trees soon filled the air, and Jack swore he could hear a river running. With one final look at the body that had once been Ennis Del Mar, the two men gripped hands and returned to the place they had never truly left and would now always be found.

Jack had never been a patient man, but he reckoned this had been well worth the wait.


End file.
